You will never know

You will never know that I let myself fall in love with you. That, despite the fact that we can never be together, I've come to desire your presence more than anything else in this world. You will never know how much I long to feel the full force of your love beaming on me like the sun on that first warm spring day. How I yearn to hear your voice, read your words, feel your lips, touch your hair. That my heart melts every time I see you smile.

I will never be the one to hold you, to comfort you when you're upset, to share your joy when you're happy. I will never get to make you coffee in the morning. Give you my coat when you're cold. Share with you an inside joke that no one around us understands. We will never even have inside jokes.

You will never know that you are constantly on my mind. That I spend my days wondering what you're doing, how you're feeling. That I spend my nights longing to feel you next to me. That every time we talk, I am swimming for days in your attention. That I cherish and savor every single text, even though they're all just neighborly chatter. That I desperately search for meaning in even the most innocuous Facebook comments.

You will never know how much I wonder why the universe would put you so very close to me — almost at arm's reach — and yet so impossibly distant. How certain I am that we were meant to meet, meant to be together, but we both had a job to do first — the creation of our respective children — and now that that's done, it's time. That I think about what an incredibly nurturing environment the two of us together could provide for them to navigate their teen years in.

You will never know these things, because none of it can ever be. Because if I told you, it would all come crashing down. Because, despite every instinct telling me you that you feel the same, you do not. That if you knew how I felt, you would be disturbed, possibly even disgusted. Because what nascent friendship we have would end. Because the least you ever think of your husband is more than the most you will ever think of me.

So, I keep it inside, hoping that one day it will fade. But also hoping against all hope that one day I will be proven wrong. That you will know all of these things. And that you do feel the same. And that we will be together. And I will make you smile and laugh and cry and happy. I will feel your warmth next to me on a cold winter's night. I will make your coffee every single morning for the rest of my life. I will be the one whose shoulder you lean on, who you come to for comfort. I will be your home.

I know it can't be… But, maybe? Maybe…

With every ounce of my love,
♒️